Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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