I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
