We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
