She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
