I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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