I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
