I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
