i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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