i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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