no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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