I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
