I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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