So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
