I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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