i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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