Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I bet he comes in French.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
