the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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