life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
