Having a random hookup so left but love u
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
