thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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