i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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