so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just pee around me
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
