I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
