I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
