you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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