Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
