well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
