I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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