Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
