I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
