HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
