I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
