i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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