I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
