So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
