Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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