I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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