I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
