My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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