Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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