Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
