what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
