i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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