When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Randomize
