We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
