I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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