she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
