He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
