so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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