Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
