from now on my penis is your penis
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How does one acquire holy water?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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