from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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