omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
