I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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